Sleepless

I can't sleep tonight. The weather is perfect, my bed is comfortable, but I just can't sleep. I've been thinking.

It has been more than seven months that I finished school. Since then I have done absolutely nothing. It's to the point now that I fear talking to people because they might ask about it. More than that I'm really just ashamed of being a bum. This is what happens when a lazy person loses momentum.

What the hell was I thinking going into urban planning? What a jackass.

Anyway, I need to cut myself off TV and really aim to get a job this summer. A job I like, I'm sick of negotiating myself into liking things and sticking with things. I did 'the right thing' for 5 years and look at where I am. The sad part is, I don't know what I like. Or, I don't know what I like to do that I'm capable of. I'd like to go to far away places and volunteer, I'd enjoy that, I'm capable of that, but I can't afford that. All this is kind of depressing.

Since the end of my time in the States I have made no progress in any aspect of my life whatsoever.

OW, OW, WTF! Holy shit! I have a canker sore on my lip, i just scraped it with a tissue and it's totally spewing blood like a heavy nosebleed. W-T-F. What do i do? It's DRiPPING! I have a piece of tissue full of blood! Fuck that hurts! Canker sores don't do that! What do I do, should I get my mom???

O_o ... That was fucked up man. I still have a bloody tissue in my mouth. What was I saying again?

My three months in the states was not a worldly adventure, was not higher education, or anything fancy like that. But still I can say it was much better, maybe even life changing. For the better? Only time will tell. But OMG I'm so in love, and I so know exactly what I want. It's so not up to me, so incredibly inconvenient to be so distracted, not to mention all the dangers of being in love, unrequited love... But how amazing it is to be so unrealistically, dangerously, completely in love...

People say 'you'll just know' and fuck yea I do just know, this is the one. Now what am I supposed to do? Nothing! Except for all that getting on with the rest of my life, the part that I can depend on, the least interesting bit, that part about food and rent and what not. Haste will be the end of me, just watch. There is a reason why grown ups don't believe in Disney, but I do, and I'd really prefer not to have that bubble burst.

The sun is coming up. Blogging mood is gone, plus I've said a lot already. Before the lip bleeding episode I was going to say something about crashing after the high of staying in the States. Obviously I lost my train of thought, but what are blogs for?