13.11.06
chunk of thing
SSPS...
Now that that's out of my system...
Something my co-worker shared over lunch today:
"So now you're healthy again, and you hurry to leave the hospital. Before you go, you realize that you forgot to bring along a chunk of thing--that's your baby. Once you pick up this chunk of thing, it's going to stick to you forever. From now on, you have to think about this chunk of thing everyday. When you wake up, you have to think about it. When you eat, you have to think about it. When you go out, you have to think about it. When you sleep, you have to think about it. You realize this chunk of thing is not leaving for at least ten years. That moment is quite amusing." --Horace
!!!
Now that that's out of my system...
Something my co-worker shared over lunch today:
"So now you're healthy again, and you hurry to leave the hospital. Before you go, you realize that you forgot to bring along a chunk of thing--that's your baby. Once you pick up this chunk of thing, it's going to stick to you forever. From now on, you have to think about this chunk of thing everyday. When you wake up, you have to think about it. When you eat, you have to think about it. When you go out, you have to think about it. When you sleep, you have to think about it. You realize this chunk of thing is not leaving for at least ten years. That moment is quite amusing." --Horace
22.9.06
in sickness and in health, bitch
Sometimes people get sick. And then suddenly they are better! :)
Anyway it's changing season right now, put your on SARS mask, bitch.
Anyway it's changing season right now, put your on SARS mask, bitch.
10.8.06
seven months and counting
Ending a relationship and watching my ex move on is a painful thing to do. I could have shut it out and never look him in the eye again, but I chose to be patient and force myself to internalize the facts. Maybe it's because I know I am not good at denial, maybe because I don't like to have enemies... maybe his accusation of me being an idealist was true, maybe I enjoy the experience of emotions too much. Probably, I want peace of mind. Probably, I want to heal completely so that I can love another just as much as I did the first (or more). There's something appealing about a pure, naive heart, unarmoured and unafraid. I wonder if it is possible to preserve such a condition beyond our youth...
Anyway, this process is taking a lot longer than I thought; and at the same time it seems quite quick. Nonetheless I consider it necessary. It'd be exciting to quote Darren Hayes, "It's been seven months and counting, you've moved on, I still feel exactly the same," but it wouldn't be true. I don't feel the same. There was a specific turning point in this plot and it was quite memorable. It's hard to describe but for a minute my mind was clear and I knew what I was and was not looking for. My ability to develop interest in others has returned, my worst fear is over! Jealousy remains though, it disgusts me how the mere mention of a name can be so foul, I must overcome this with alcohol, or rehab. Or time, that should do.
Anyway, this process is taking a lot longer than I thought; and at the same time it seems quite quick. Nonetheless I consider it necessary. It'd be exciting to quote Darren Hayes, "It's been seven months and counting, you've moved on, I still feel exactly the same," but it wouldn't be true. I don't feel the same. There was a specific turning point in this plot and it was quite memorable. It's hard to describe but for a minute my mind was clear and I knew what I was and was not looking for. My ability to develop interest in others has returned, my worst fear is over! Jealousy remains though, it disgusts me how the mere mention of a name can be so foul, I must overcome this with alcohol, or rehab. Or time, that should do.
2.8.06
The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
22.7.06
what is a friend
Lately I have been angry.
I have come to realize that a mutual understanding of a friendship is very important. Can you be friends with someone who doesn't have the same idea of friendship as you? Can you be friends with someone who perceives a different level of friendship? Is a person being a good friend if their idea of being a good friend falls below your expectations? By whose rules are you supposed to play by, and by whose standards do you judge a person? (Sure it's not good to judge but if I think someone is being a BITCH I'd like to know if I am right.)
And, what happens when someone offers friendship that is below your minimum accepted level? Sort of like no VISA for purchases under $5. What do you do?
GRRRRRRRR...
I have come to realize that a mutual understanding of a friendship is very important. Can you be friends with someone who doesn't have the same idea of friendship as you? Can you be friends with someone who perceives a different level of friendship? Is a person being a good friend if their idea of being a good friend falls below your expectations? By whose rules are you supposed to play by, and by whose standards do you judge a person? (Sure it's not good to judge but if I think someone is being a BITCH I'd like to know if I am right.)
And, what happens when someone offers friendship that is below your minimum accepted level? Sort of like no VISA for purchases under $5. What do you do?
GRRRRRRRR...
26.6.06
salad adventure
You're eating salad. After a few bites you suspect your meat is sour. You stare at it, you try to smell it, then you taste it again. It tastes okay--but, you think it might be sour. Is it? Too late, your mind is contaminated with fear, it's impossble to tell the difference now.
I think my meat is sour. Is it?
I'm tossing it. It's not cool to eat with suspicion, even if the food is okay. I blame you, for not being here to taste it for me. You drive me crazy.
I think my meat is sour. Is it?
I'm tossing it. It's not cool to eat with suspicion, even if the food is okay. I blame you, for not being here to taste it for me. You drive me crazy.
6.6.06
4.6.06
rejection is a disease
I wish it wouldn't hurt so bad...
I wish I were better; I'm trying but I wish I wouldn't fail so miserably...
I wish I were better; I'm trying but I wish I wouldn't fail so miserably...
9.5.06
25.4.06
expensive failure
So I failed my driving test (G) today. BOOOOOOOOO! That cost me a day's pay + $240. And I got yelled at by the bitchy examiner. Nobody ever yells at me. T_T
4.4.06
controversy
The world would probably be a better place if a comet came and bombed Jerusalem into a crater lake. No one would have anything to say, except maybe Scientologists.
24.3.06
18.3.06
sometimes you just suck.
Sometimes I wish that faith and confidence would translate into instant skill building.
For instance, beach volleyball tonight: I was watching people play. I was watching, watching... I could see in my mind how every move will be executed. I was ready. And then the ball came... and then I called -aiya- and then the ball was on the ground.
The same goes for driving and drinking water. But that is probably just me.
Sometimes there is nothing worse than thinking you can do something and then finding out that you can't--I mean, you really can't. Like, the you-suck-so-bad-Hello-Kitty-can-do-it-better type of can't.
But there are worse things in life. Good game my don't-suck friends!
For instance, beach volleyball tonight: I was watching people play. I was watching, watching... I could see in my mind how every move will be executed. I was ready. And then the ball came... and then I called -aiya- and then the ball was on the ground.
The same goes for driving and drinking water. But that is probably just me.
Sometimes there is nothing worse than thinking you can do something and then finding out that you can't--I mean, you really can't. Like, the you-suck-so-bad-Hello-Kitty-can-do-it-better type of can't.
But there are worse things in life. Good game my don't-suck friends!
11.3.06
not a mall bitch
Pointy toed high heeled stilettos are in style, people have been crazy about them for a while and in recent months I've also been converted to a fan. For the longest time I've been embarrassed to admit this but it's really just laughable--It's too bad that my leg is too thick for tall boots. (My aunt used to call me Pig-thigh Yan when I was little.) But all winter I've been trying to find a pair that would fit, and I was mentally ready to settle for an ankle boot.
Today I went on a little shopping trip with friends... and... :)
I found a pair that (1) looked good, but more importantly (2) zipped up, and most importantly, (3) looked good on me! ...! But of course there is a downside to this story. (1) The boot is white. I was looking for black for versatility. (2) I'd have to get the store to stretch it a bit so it would zip up good. In order to do that I have to buy the boots that as is don't fit and then have them stretched. Should I trust this or will they turn out weird? (3) They cost $180. About right for leather boots but... it's bling man.
I might just end up getting them.
Any opinions?
Today I went on a little shopping trip with friends... and... :)
I found a pair that (1) looked good, but more importantly (2) zipped up, and most importantly, (3) looked good on me! ...! But of course there is a downside to this story. (1) The boot is white. I was looking for black for versatility. (2) I'd have to get the store to stretch it a bit so it would zip up good. In order to do that I have to buy the boots that as is don't fit and then have them stretched. Should I trust this or will they turn out weird? (3) They cost $180. About right for leather boots but... it's bling man.
I might just end up getting them.
Any opinions?
2.3.06
birthday
birthday birthday to you
birthday birthday to you
birthday birthday birthday birthday
birthday birthday to you!!!
happy birthday from t.m.y and i :)
birthday birthday to you
birthday birthday birthday birthday
birthday birthday to you!!!
happy birthday from t.m.y and i :)
1.3.06
stuff, and poo on a stick
tomorrow is my friend's birthday and i would really rather not talk about things better off forgotten but i want to get it off my chest.
more and more i am seeing the karma that is coming back to me. much of what i've done to this friend is now happening to me, and probably less harshly so. i can't help but know that i deserve it; and i am understanding why certain decisions were made, even though i wish they could be undone. i've also realized that injustice is a worse feeling than well deserved punishment; in that i take a sort of underserved comfort. Guilt is up there with injustice too... no comfort there, though. all this has been said, hasn't it?
it continues to surprise me how feelings can surface without warning, just when i thought i was beginning to be desensitized. perhaps certain decisions about continued contact should be made? that's what they tell me to do.
why am i blogging right now? because my ex is on his n-th date with his new, legit, acceptable, encourageable, unlike me, etc, love interest. they seem to be doing well. i hope they burn in hell. no, that was a joke. i wish them well, i really do. i can barely stand to say such a thing, and i can barely decide that's the way i think. but i am nice, or try to be, if nothing else.
hopefully, one day, that will be good enough for somebody.
on a much brighter note, a colleague gave me a dilly bar from DQ today! it made me happy. it was a poo on a stick, except it tasted better. not that i know what poo on a stick tastes like.
more and more i am seeing the karma that is coming back to me. much of what i've done to this friend is now happening to me, and probably less harshly so. i can't help but know that i deserve it; and i am understanding why certain decisions were made, even though i wish they could be undone. i've also realized that injustice is a worse feeling than well deserved punishment; in that i take a sort of underserved comfort. Guilt is up there with injustice too... no comfort there, though. all this has been said, hasn't it?
it continues to surprise me how feelings can surface without warning, just when i thought i was beginning to be desensitized. perhaps certain decisions about continued contact should be made? that's what they tell me to do.
why am i blogging right now? because my ex is on his n-th date with his new, legit, acceptable, encourageable, unlike me, etc, love interest. they seem to be doing well. i hope they burn in hell. no, that was a joke. i wish them well, i really do. i can barely stand to say such a thing, and i can barely decide that's the way i think. but i am nice, or try to be, if nothing else.
hopefully, one day, that will be good enough for somebody.
on a much brighter note, a colleague gave me a dilly bar from DQ today! it made me happy. it was a poo on a stick, except it tasted better. not that i know what poo on a stick tastes like.
13.2.06
Stupid
Josie is stupid today.
Josie is stupid for a while now.
Some people are stupid too.
Some people might be smart, though.
But some stupid people think they're smart.
And some smart people don't think they're smart, although they don't think they're stupid.
So you don't really know for sure if you're smart or not, huh...
But if you know you're stupid, then you are stupid.
Like i said, Josie is stupid today.
Josie is stupid for a while now.
Some people are stupid too.
Some people might be smart, though.
But some stupid people think they're smart.
And some smart people don't think they're smart, although they don't think they're stupid.
So you don't really know for sure if you're smart or not, huh...
But if you know you're stupid, then you are stupid.
Like i said, Josie is stupid today.
21.1.06
Perfect
All that's pure all that's true,
That's what you mean to me.
A ticket to the top of the world,
That's what you mean to me.
The answer to my prayers,
Something so beautiful so rare;
A diamond in the rough,
Something more than good enough,
You fell through the clouds, imperfect to the world
And made my world perfect.
That's what you mean to me.
Stripped, bare, exposed,
I've contracted my soul
To the building of a dream,
toward the world's defeat.
No better than the rest,
just a little courage to test
A fairy tale against the odds,
Between the corners of the world,
Is there a place for love?
Is there a place for us?
All the miles we've travelled and the people we've seen,
Spreading hope in our eyes and a diamond gleamed.
The night falls our stars begin to shine
Bright as the sun for you and I.
The world defeated and freedom gained,
They look up at us, they
look up to us.
Baby close your eyes and see
We are perfect.
Oceans that joined us now streaming down my face
At the dawn of another perfect day.
You are perfect to me.
We are perfect to the world.
But I stand just a little less,
Not to the world but to the one who loved me.
I kneel before your pride
and listen to my lesson:
You cannot love an angel.
A broken one no less.
Hold me please I can't take the fall.
Just one more day will you make time stop?
Love me please for I have given you all I have.
Love me please and forgive my faults.
Please, tell me I can be perfect.
Please, love me.
13.1.06
Cubicle Laws
Goodbye office, hello cubicle. This is what I have learned so far:
#1: Cubicles are not always Cubic. I think mine is a little bigger than cubic. It's like, cubic plus a little bit on the side. It's like, WOH.
#2a: Your computer is always facing the hallway
#2b: You are never facing the hallway. Therefore,
#2c: You are always paranoid of getting caught doing not-work.
#3: Extravagant high-tech chairs are not always desirable. The sophisticated seat tilt function can literally kick your ass off the chair in the forward-downward direction if you accidentally offend its lever with a casual kick of the foot.
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