life sucks. 

someone told me

"True love takes courage because you put your heart in a perfect position to get torn into a million pieces."

Realize - Colbie Caillat

take time to realize that your warmth is crashing down on in
take time to realize that i am on your side, didn't i, didn't i tell you
but i can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple, no i can't spell it out for you

if you just realize what i just realized, then we'd be perfect for eachother and we'll never find another, just realize what i just realized, we'd never have to wonder why we missed out on eachother now

it's not the same, no it's never the same, if you don't feel it too
if you meet me half way, if you meet me half way, it could be the same for you

if you just realize what i just realized, then we'd be perfect for eachother and we'll never find another, just realize what i just realized, we'll never have to wonder if we missed out on eachother now

ambition

I feel inspired tonight. I have a plan. It almost certainly won't work out but I have to try. It's an intention, a goal. It's good.

hunter's moon

We all have hopes. We all have dreams. Inevitably we also have disappointment. Sometimes they make us so vulnerable that we cannot bear to share them with others. Other times the world just can't be bothered.

I can't write anymore because the rest is secret.

So,Remember Daniel Bedingfield?

Losing in life, ugh.

Sleep at 1:30, wake up at 8:30. This has been my general sleeping pattern. No, I'm not busy, I'm just anxious, every morning and night. I hate it. I need something to happen, something to change. Why can't I do it? It's not even 9am and I'm sitting here holding back tears, what the hell... and it's Thanksgiving! Why am I anxious and upset on Thanksgiving? ...Why can't I be a happy little dog... life would be so much easier.

Art and Fart

I am now miss artsy fartsy theatre goer. So far I have seen one play and two concerts. First play is "Way of the World", which I didn't understand and did not stay for the second half because I went clubbing instead. They were speaking old english...YEAH. I'd understand Engrish better, ESL and Phonics and all. The concerts were at the Cabaret festival, I saw "Duke Ellington Songbook" which kicked ass and was way exciting to watch, and "Stephen Page" who is the lead singer of the Barenaked ladies which sucked ass and wasy way boring to watch. I also slipped into this "Waleed whoever-watermelon" performance which also sucked ass. Tonight I am going to see "Famous puppet death scenes" which I hear does not involve English or Engrish, and should kick ass since it is a comedy.

But here is my secret: I am not miss artsy fartsy theatre goer, I am cheapo free theatre tickets hoarder. That's right, they are free from someone who works at the theatre. So I go. So I claim to be artsy, the fartsy part is probably true.

more unemployment blues

when i think about jobs, i get whiney with my friends. now that i'm done being whiney i am pondering the meaning of life. everytime i think about the meaning of life i think something different. tonight, i think that we are small creatures that live and die, simple. maybe we just make do, and try to enjoy ourselves.

i am just trying to justify my incompetence.

i'm like a little ant running back and forth, stressed out, but not carrying jack shit. that ant that u stare at and say wtf and then try to step on. yay! @_@

btw i miss my boyfriend. he is in super hick cottage with no cell phone reception.

sigh

More and more I am certain that the biggest mistake I made in my life is going into Waterloo Planning. WTF is planning... wtf do I do now that I am out... I feel like I need to go to school some more, I'm so stuck where I am. So frustrated, so not where I wanted to be... But then I always knew that. I just thought I'd change my mind by now.

So depressed.

I suspect that I've been someone people look down on for a while now, but either way I am looking down on myself too.

sing a song

kuno kuno kuno kuno KUNO kuno kuno kuno KUNO kuno kuno kuno kuno kuno kuno kuno kuno kuni kunini keegan! I love u because you put out! the kuno pimp daddysan boojee keeeegan!

SEXY, BEAST

Ok. This is so sexy I have to tell someone about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUiiYmaZb8I Hands down sexiest thing I've seen in a long time.

And... I'm hungry. Make me a sandwich! I want this one: http://www.jimmyjohns.com/homepage.aspx #12 Beach Club PLEASE!

I'm also in the mood for some sexy creme brulee with some Buble playing in the background. German black forest cake would be fine too.

To burn off all of that, take me dancing. Sexy dancing. And then I want to eat some cherries, cherries are sexy.

Mmm, Renilla says I'm on crack.

be happy for me

I think people are no longer happy for me when I get to see my boy. People need me to find work to feed them. I don't appreciate it. I like seeing my boy. It's important.

Overcomplicating

Why do celebrations frustrate us? I feel guilty that I'm frustrated, I should be looking forward to it, and know exactly how to make someone happy. It shouldn't be a chore to celebrate but often that is the case. Celebration is a simple thing, just to be happy to be somewhere. Yet somehow without something amazing it doesn't feel celebrated. We overcomplicate things. We have strange expectations of how things need to be.

What am I talking about? I'm confused.

For me, the ultimate celebration would be something severely simple. Blowing out a candle on a cupcake in a tent, or drawing on wet sand at a beach next to a fire... Little moments like that make life's dearest memories. But how to create that for someone else? How to make their dreams come true before they dream it?

Overcomplicated.

I'm going crazy. I need sleep.

Enchanted

I didn't think I'd like this, but I do, a lot... (in context) Check it out.

Kill me now

Wow. What the fuck fuck fuckity fuck... This is definitely reaching new heights.

So the Jedi slept over last night. Today, my sister went to work and MY DAD TOOK HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.

It turns out that he doesn't have family here, so my dad volunteered to 'give him a hand'.

I don't know what to say. Somebody kill me now.

Oh, AND, that towel in the bathroom BELONGS to him. He even left it here, forgot take it with! Yup, it has a spot on the rack...

high blood pressure

Just when I thought I was going to give him a chance...

Ladies and gentlemen, it is MIDNIGHT on SUNDAY and the JEDI is HERE. I know he almost died, and went to the hospital a thousand times and got a thousand rides out of it, and then bought lunch for 40 bucks plus change from my sister, blah blah blah... I don't care anymore: HE'S OVERSTAYED HIS WELCOME.

Doesn't he have a job to go to tomorrow morning?

Doesn't my sister have a job to go to tomorrow morning?

Are they skipping work because he needs more scans at the hospital?

Is my sister going to take him there?

OH MY GOD! Look, there is a REASON why you live by yourself. It's because YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Now, the first emergency hospital visit is over, you are in the process of FOLLOWING UP. There is nothing urgent about that. Why can't you go home and take care of that yourself? Tell your family and they can help you! Are you going to stay here forever because your hospital is now in the neighborhood? There are things called TRANSFERS! GO GET ONE!

It's getting to the point that there is an unfamiliar towel in the bathroom. Uh. What the fuck. He's also got drinks in the fridge. What the double fuck!

I am soooo angry with all of this. I really want to go downstairs and yell at them right now... Aaah!!!

STEPPED UP!

Daaaaamn! The Jedi stepped up! He paid for lunch today! Good.

bored

yeah. i'm bored. anyone want to play?

The Jedi Dies (almost)

Oh my God. How lame can this get? Every other week I have to get all worked up over this JEDI. This week's episode is great, absolutely fabulous. Check it out:

• My sister comes home with the Jedi, late, because she probably had to pick him up.
• It's dinner time and those two are the first to start eating before even a third person has taken a seat at the table.
• In the middle of the night, ie. 3am, I wake up and hear that the Jedi's gone to the emergency because he couldn't breathe.
• This morning I find out that my father drove him (with my sister), because my sister didn't know the way.
• By the time I found that out they were all gone again to see the doctor. (I thought they saw the damn doctor already.)
• They come back at like 5pm, exausted, without the Jedi. No, he didn't die. They kept him in the hospital to look at his lungs, something about lack of oxygen.
• The Jedi did not contact his family, because he didn't want to.

You know I thought eating before others are seated was bad. How about having your frail body dying in the middle of the night in somebody else's house, needing your girlfriend's FAMILY to drive you to the hospital? As if that's not enough you had them see the doctor with you the next morning! AND, omg, AND you didn't tell your own family. So that what, somebody else's family can take care of you? You don't have a car. How do you suppose you'll leave the hospital?

I'm shocked at all of this. How did my dad end up taking care of this guy? Why?! Are we ALL dating him now?

I know it's not his fault that he ended up in the emergency. But it just fits the character so well doesn't it? I'm not angry that he's sick, really. I'm angry with how shamelessly he is mooching off of my family's hospitality. And this little incident doesn't make me like him any better.

Next time, stay the fuck away from my house where you cannot breathe. Get your stupid ass a car and stop relying on my sister or my father for rides, to Wonderland or to the hospital. Use that car to leave the house at night, because DUH you cannot breathe here. STEP IT UP, DUDE! Take care of your girlfriend for once! GOD! This is beyond lame!

• Update: My sister just got called. The Jedi is alive and well and needs a ride back. By back I mean here.

He needs to go home and get some rest. And I need to stop yelling at my family about how he needs to go home and get some rest. I have never voiced my opinion about any of this to my family before, but having my dad wake up in the middle of the night to toil for you is too much.

Sleepless

I can't sleep tonight. The weather is perfect, my bed is comfortable, but I just can't sleep. I've been thinking.

It has been more than seven months that I finished school. Since then I have done absolutely nothing. It's to the point now that I fear talking to people because they might ask about it. More than that I'm really just ashamed of being a bum. This is what happens when a lazy person loses momentum.

What the hell was I thinking going into urban planning? What a jackass.

Anyway, I need to cut myself off TV and really aim to get a job this summer. A job I like, I'm sick of negotiating myself into liking things and sticking with things. I did 'the right thing' for 5 years and look at where I am. The sad part is, I don't know what I like. Or, I don't know what I like to do that I'm capable of. I'd like to go to far away places and volunteer, I'd enjoy that, I'm capable of that, but I can't afford that. All this is kind of depressing.

Since the end of my time in the States I have made no progress in any aspect of my life whatsoever.

OW, OW, WTF! Holy shit! I have a canker sore on my lip, i just scraped it with a tissue and it's totally spewing blood like a heavy nosebleed. W-T-F. What do i do? It's DRiPPING! I have a piece of tissue full of blood! Fuck that hurts! Canker sores don't do that! What do I do, should I get my mom???

O_o ... That was fucked up man. I still have a bloody tissue in my mouth. What was I saying again?

My three months in the states was not a worldly adventure, was not higher education, or anything fancy like that. But still I can say it was much better, maybe even life changing. For the better? Only time will tell. But OMG I'm so in love, and I so know exactly what I want. It's so not up to me, so incredibly inconvenient to be so distracted, not to mention all the dangers of being in love, unrequited love... But how amazing it is to be so unrealistically, dangerously, completely in love...

People say 'you'll just know' and fuck yea I do just know, this is the one. Now what am I supposed to do? Nothing! Except for all that getting on with the rest of my life, the part that I can depend on, the least interesting bit, that part about food and rent and what not. Haste will be the end of me, just watch. There is a reason why grown ups don't believe in Disney, but I do, and I'd really prefer not to have that bubble burst.

The sun is coming up. Blogging mood is gone, plus I've said a lot already. Before the lip bleeding episode I was going to say something about crashing after the high of staying in the States. Obviously I lost my train of thought, but what are blogs for?

life is precious

My kuni got ran over in a motorcycle accident. I'm sad and worried. He seems to be doing just fine, he sounded okay on the phone. Now I really want to be there to take care of him. I love him so much, it makes me so sad that he was hurt. I hope he gets well soon.

Bike trip & blues

Wuh. I'm back from my first real motorcycle trip. It was much less ambitious than originally planned but it was good to take the time and enjoy each destination. Montreal, Quebec, Ottawa--incredibly typical eh? But it was good, any travel anywhere is always good. Also different now that I am a little older. And going with someone who's never been adds meaning. Too bad I couldn't take my good camera.

Unintentionally and as always, food made the trip. Onoir, a restaurant in Montreal where you eat in the dark was definitely the highlight. Smoked meat poutine and Lebanese food were also surprisingly delicious.

It was my intention to try to do activities, get some things accomplished on this (and future) trips. Eating in the dark was a good accomplishment, as was riding the distance and in the rain although it's not something that I would actively care for. I definitely want to do a lot more in my travels, to get things checked off my list. Skydiving, hiking to the top of a mountain, kayaking, riding jackass multi-people bikes, horse back riding, scuba diving and such.

So depressed to be back today.

I think I am just insatiable. Always jealous of other people, always wanting something different, something more. The general theme is I am not having anywhere near as much fun and adventure as I would like, I feel my youth slipping away. Too much of the world unseen, too many things unexperienced. Too little laughter and posing for funny photos. All at the same time waiting too long for something I want too badly. Too much hopes and dreams and too little meaning, too little confirmation. Definitely feels like I am on the wrong track, or no track at all. Knowing what you want out of life and not living it is no life at all. But perhaps, with luck, I'm halfway there. Or I'm just halfway to my grave.

Oh! and I'd like to introduce you to Studio Octopussy and Jacque-ass. Most amusing discoveries this trip.

Freeeaked out!

So I have this blog right, and in the beginning it was a funny little place for cynical humour. Then time passed and I figured not a lot of people are reading anymore, and, well, I've let it degrade into an outlet of negativity. Really I owe it to myself to try harder. Anyway, then I get this super creepy anonymous comment that basically says I'M WATCHING YOU and omfg I am so freaked out right now, i mean it, f-r-e-a-k-e-d o-u-t. And how strange is it that I am reflecting on something that happened to me right here, it doesn't make sense, except... this is the place I talk about things like this. Whaaaaat... Damn! I feel so, exposed... in a very non-sexy way.

But I suppose it's fine. I'm not unusually cruel here.

Coincidentally I had another twilight zone event today:

My dad was somehow convinced that our watermelon had gone bad, and that it wasn't solid but entirely liquid inside, that if we cut it open the water will burst out all over the kitchen. He says it's happened once before. He looked at us with such intense eyes, I didn't believe him, but he creeped me out. My sister and I examined the watermelon, touched it, moved it around, smelled it, everything... and thought it was fine. So my dad prepares some towels under the watermelon, plastic bags and all, and then cuts it open. TADA! ...n-o-r-m-a-l. Pfft.

dejected

Underacheivers need love too...

nervousness

Been waking up nervous lately. It feels like a lot is missing from my life. A core group of friends, a job and money to do the things I want to do, or just some other purpose. Oh, and a good exercise routine. I want to get in shape. (Plus that shitty convocation is still haunting me a little. Facebook is full of happy beautiful grads. Man that really sucked.)

Not missing a boy though. That is the one thing that's right in my life. I used to wonder how you know when it is right, and the answer kind of came to me in the shower yesterday. I no longer worry about the future, for the first time I look forward to it. Yea, even with everything else that isn't right... isn't that strange and maybe slightly morbid?

Anyway, life is too static right now. I want to be doing something, ideally travelling around the world with friends, or raising a puppy but more realistically starting work.

BIG BIG SIGH. I hate waking up nervous. Procrastination needs to stop. And bike trip needs to start! I'm going craaaaaaaaaaaazy..!

wedding?

Is someone getting married? In the fall? Wow...!

Well, I'm in a position where I'm only allowed to speculate. We were very very close, but we don't talk anymore. Interestingly enough I was thinking about him just yesterday. If my guess is right I am so happy, so happy that I wish I could congratulate them or send a gift, or something. But there's no sense in intruding, it shouldn't even be considered. If my guess is wrong then I guess congrats too, to whoever.

This could be the first time that a wedding announcement (real or not) has moved me. I'm very happy yet speechless. :)

shamless people: update

Recent discovery: When animated he squeals exactly like Fogel/McLovin from Superbad. Holy SHIT! Get out of my house!

shameless people

Some people have no shame. I'm talking about my sister's boyfriend (I just barfed in my mouth a little).

This person insists on showing up every other weekend and mooching off of my family. When he comes we usually eat together. Usually we end up eating out, partly to 'entertain the guest'. And he sleeps over. So who knows how many meals it adds up to. This happens every other week, Regularly! Does he ever try to pay, even for himself? No. When we have a barbeque and people are in the kitchen prepping, does he offer to help? No. We had father's day dinner tonight and guess who we had to get an extra seat for? He has no business joining us for a family event like that. And it wasn't even my family that paid for the dinner.

So he comes over, takes up space and makes me uncomfortable in my own home. Consumes our resources, which by the way are dangerously low, and doesn't offer to pay for anything or to help. Even if you're white you should know better.

At this point I don't even want to think about the original objections I had against this person. Immoral conduct--hooking up with someone who already had a boyfriend. Dorky to the point of owning entire star wars series and giving Yoda doll to girlfriend--enough said. Does not own a car and is driven around by his girlfriend! That is definitely a deal breaker, especially at 26 years old.

OMFG I really ought to say something about all this. This is disgusting. I am so embarassed about tonight, how my aunt paid for such an expensive dinner and he... sigh. WTF.

convocation: update

My friends' convocation pictures are surfacing, they all have friends and such pretty flowers. They look so happy. It makes me so sad...

fairy tales

I believe in fairy tales and Disney magic.

There once was a poor, beautiful girl who is kind, sings, and cleans like a mofo. She meets her handsome prince who rescues her with true love's kiss. They marry and live happily ever after. (And her enemies burn, fall and die.)

I can clean like a mofo, do I qualify for happily ever after?

convocation

So today was convocation. I have to admit that while I was happier to be there than expected, it was not at all happy and festive as it ought to be. Too early in the morning, no friends, painful shoes, thirsty... especially no friends. It makes me sad that the photos show how little fun I was having. As little as I cared it was still an important life event and now I will remember it until alzheimers kicks in. To be fair I was tired, thirsty, and hungry. That makes a person grumpy.

Of course some good did come out of it: for once my name was pronounced correctly! And I made Dean's List! Plus a friend cared enough to send flowers, and another wrote a card. That's so thoughtful I am almost ashamed of not having done the same for them.

Sigh. I need hugs.

Rotting

Welcome back. First post of the year. I remember shutting this down months ago, surely nobody noticed. I've done well, half a year has gone without me ranting on here about a single thing. Pat on the back for me!

But here I am, another stupid day in this stupid world. I hate it. Rotting away... I recall a time when I looked forward to graduating, as though something great was to follow and I would be free--from stinking Loo, dull topics and whatever else that was holding me back. Then I finished school, pranced around for a few months, and uhhh i'm back here moaning about life. How stupid is that. Where's all the great adventures and magical endings? Sure, they're around, but none for me.

On a brighter note the summer is finally getting hot. I no longer need pants. Rejoice! OH, and notice my new mood meter, I like.