back to ranting

i'm sort of having a nervous breakdown. i stayed in bed all day because i dread packing and leaving. this isn't nearly as easy as some people make it look.

this nagging is not cool. traditional ranting is much healthier:

what the hell is up with guys being so much more homophobic than girls? that's mega unfair.
#1: 3-some? dude you RULE! wait, only ONE girl? YOU'RE A GAY MAN, HA!
#2: boys and girls: would you go to a stripclub? how about a MALE stripclub? aww girls aren't you accomodating.
#3: anal: we all have an asshole don't we, because uh... we all need to take shits? need i say more?

and another thing. there's porn showing girls, and there's porn showing guys. one is for guys, and the other is for g.. i mean gay guys. ya, mmhmm.

but you know what IS fair? guys have BALLS. balls that we can KICK. REAL HARD. because, oh nothing, it's just PMS, it doesn't count. we pms all the freaking time. :D

santa hates me

i have been troubled lately. maybe i need to really think about it, write it out, and try to be brutally honest with myself.

first there is pms. perhaps all of this can be explained away by hormones. believe me it is the preferred answer. then there are actual issues.

finances. my family is, well, not doing so well. i, or more realistically my sister and i have taken over the responsibility of taking care of all of us. it's a heavy burden. my dreadful boss didn't hire me back and i have no job lined up for the new year. my savings will have to feed us all until i find a job, maybe 6 months from now. must admit it bothered me much more when the news broke out. since then i've calmed down, although it still worries me everytime i reach for my wallet. this must contribute to my troubles but i'm sure it's not the central problem.

now, on to the hard part: love life. perhaps its to do with me hanging on too desperately in the past, but this time i have been much more reserved with my devotion, much more willing to doubt. it is a matter of self preservation, to be acutely aware of everything that may hint at another dead end. it is also my circumstance that significant investment is required to keep the relationship afloat. by default i must reflect on the worthiness of my efforts.

it seems that frequent visits are needed to keep me happy. when i reach the point of 'needing to see him again', as i have now, i rely on faith that all will be well when we reunite. sure enough it is perfect when we are together again, always. but there is a present need that cannot be fulfilled.

when we are apart for too long i simply become lost. i am in love but i am unhappy. sometimes i even grow numb and indifferent from being sad for so long. it is perfectly rational that i should not be attached to something that causes pain.

i went clubbing last night with my girl friend. we turned down every guy who wanted to dance. some of them were friendly and polite and i actually felt sorry for being so snobby. i wanted to be loyal, and was proud of it. then i went home and found myself all alone. it's ridiculous to have a boyfriend and be loneliner than ever.

despite his absence, i have endless admiration for him. it's perfect when we're together. he has complete faith in us, all the time. it's what convinced me that he is the one. i've abandoned the idea of 'the one' years ago, but i do believe now that i have found him. he is by far the better half of this relationship and i cannot be more thankful.

perhaps it's this difference in confidence that makes me doubt my love. if we love eachother equally, should i not share the same tolerance for separation? a more positive interpretation would be that it's a matter of personality.

the unfortunate truth is separation, although an external agent, decreases satisfaction. a relationship needs to be more satisfying than single life in order to persist. in order to increase satisfaction one can decrease (or eliminate) separation, or maximize other variables such as affection. this is the part where i count my blessings.

there is also potential, which i dare say is endless. as great as that may sound potential is nothing unless it is realized. finances, politics (borders) get in the way and it really is discouraging. still i think this is worthy of pursuit.

relationships take work. i never understood that until now. this took forever to write and rewrite, i've worked things out and i feel much easier. with that said, i do hate feeling lost and unhappy, especially at christmas time. the foreseeable future does not look easier and to be honest i am afraid. i don't want to give up, but i don't know if i am up for it.

or maybe i feel like total crap because i have been sitting around too much.

troubled

the hardest thing is to be certain of what you want.

i miss certainty. any answer would be satisfying really, if it was certain.

rape weather

It's 4am, I'm hungry, I'm waiting to take a shower, I can't sleep.

Certain events have unfolded like I always knew they would. Dealing with them is much harder than I thought. The worst part is I am beginning to realize that future and potential can be taken away... dreams that I'd hope might come true are evaporated. There are certain things I can no longer afford to wish for. It doesn't matter now how close I have gotten, and I don't want to find out.

I'm also doubting things that seemed so fundamental in my life just a month ago. I'm... simply... not as happy anymore. I don't know what else to say. Hopefully it's just a phase and will disappear on its own, I need it to go away.

And the situation is yet to mature. Soon enough I won't even be able to think about these things.

Adulthood: Welcome! *rapes me in the face*

I am so envious of the lucky people. I thought I was one of them.

lesson learned

1. DON'T date someone in the same/similar professional field, you will only fight about work.
2. DON'T talk to people while studying, especially the one describe above.

FUCK!

FUCK! FUCKING PEOPLE PISS ME OFF! I NEED TO STUDY, AND NOW I CAN'T, BECAUSE I'M ALL PISSED OFF AND DISTRACTED WITH OTHER THINGS THAT MAYBE I SHOULDN'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT. AAAARGH. EVERYBODY LEAVE ME ALONE AND I'LL SEE YOU AT THE CLUB.

opportunity cost

what else could you be doing?

DISSATISFIED!!!

alright! plan of action:
-umbra shopping
-see kc hohoho
-CLUUUUUB!!!

saturday night divas

i'm not alone, now you're not in my mind : you are the victim of your crime i left you behind : boy you were a fool to treat me that way : not going to let you, i'm going to forget you, there's nothing to say : you're a twisted lover, kiss and telling on a superstar : that's what you are : well it was saturday night, i know the feeling was right, i didn't know we'd get so far...

STOP

and we know that you can go and find some other : take or leave it cuz we've always got eachother : you know who you are and yes you're gonna break down : you've crossed the line so you're gonna have to turn around : don't you know it's going too fast: racing so hard you know it won't last : don't you know, what can't you see : slow it down, read the sign, so you know just where you're going...

very dissatisfied

very dissatisfied.

mr moore, why dont' you fuck off...

dissatisfied...

i want boy
i want club
i want clothes, and bling..
i want drunkie
i want friends
i want make up
i want vegas
i want scandalous

i am so freaking bored here!

check this out: TAO

taiko

are you STAAARVING? i'm staaarving!

this is what i want for christmas:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=IaYbrt3TZG8&feature=related
in fact, everyone should want this for christmas!

BROKE

I'M SUPER BROKE...

T_T

I want to be a caveman when i grow up

Wouldn't it be great if all institutions just blew up, and we reverted back to cave-man times? There would be no school, only practical work, and we would dance around fires and have lots of kids. That'd be great--NO SCHOOL.

I'm really pissed off at my land development class. So pissed off that I don't want to talk about it.

...

Ever sit there blankly and realize you're not sure if you are thinking about something or not?

vendetta

Suddenly I want to tell two specific people to go fuck themselves, people I haven't thought of in a long time, perhaps a year. I am still angry, I don't see myself forgiving what happened in a long long time. There is something I think one of them deserves but I can't say, too taboo.

Angry, but I feel pretty good. Goodnight!

archives

I just realized that May was my best month this year, and October the worst. Look at the number of posts, interesting isn't it?

sing a song to me

Can you tell I'm troubled? I haven't posted this often for a long time. This quarter life crisis is much worse than I thought. I need someone to make things better but maybe they don't exist. It's unrealistic to hope that someone would know what to do when you are this miserable, but still I hope. I hope a Michael Buble comes and sings his song to me.

Lost

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I'd only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not

Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost

Thanks to kc ho who knew I'd listen to it over and over.

poaching season

I don't like cougars. I don't worry about them but sometimes I find it a bit ridiculous how they hit on my boyfriend more often than I get to. That just sucks, on so many levels.

tragedy of the commons: whores

Tragedy of the commons: Why are whores always so beat up?
A whore charges $3 for full service. When a man pays $3, would he fuck her like he does his wife? The answer is no, he would not. It is not because he is a dirt bag, or that he has more feelings for his wife than the whore. The reason is that the whore is common property for which he must not have an interest to protect. The man can have regular sex for $3, but what are the costs and benefits of him having violent, bruising, hair pulling sex for the same $3? The rational man will conclude that he will receive more enjoyment from having rough sex, but because the whore will be beat up the service quality may decline during his session tomorrow. But it's okay, it's just once a day, it won't hurt. Besides, if he doesn't get his money's worth, another man will. If service is bound to decline, its best to claim your share while you can. So the man fucks her, and fucks her up real good, making sure he gets his money's worth. Unfortunately all of her 50 customers (she's good, and cheap) come to the same decision. The whore is more and more beat up by the day, in about a week the value of her service drops below $3 and she is forced to lower her asking price. At $1.50 she is unable to afford vanities like makeup and soap. Her service level drops yet again until she dies of Hepititas. In the end, nobody gets to fuck.

futures, dreams...

Something in the back of my mind tells me I am not ready to apply to Grad school.
Something there also tells me I should. People around me tell me the same.
Lately I have developed an apetite for being a housewife though. So has a friend of mine. So this is the age when future teachers, doctors, and engineers give up their childhood ambitions for the greatest dicipline of all--home economics! I can see clearly now...

Enough sarcasm, lets change the subject.

You know how we all have a vision of our dream house?

For a long time mine consisted of a star-viewing glass ceiling, and slides built next to staircases. I now have another much simpler addition to this dream house: an elliptical in front of a big TV, possibly with a good supply of Spongebob or Chinese shows, movies would be nice too.

It's nice to know that ellipticals in front of TVs already exist everywhere... just not my house. And yes I realize that the slide and ellipitical are totally contradictory. I also assume that my glass ceiling will come with regular maintenance, ie. shit scraping.

and it sucks more still..

Everything is going wrong this term. It really does suck. I don't know what to do. If anything I am glad that there are so many issues to deal with that I don't have time to worry about each one as much as I normally would. I'm so beyond capacity that I don't know how I should be feeling anymore.

QLC not in code

why is it that during my most desperate time of need the people closest to me refuse to help? whenever there is an important decision to make, when i am humble and in need of guidance, those whose opinions matter the most are the ones avoiding the conversation, leaving me supposedly empowered to lead my life independently, free from the hopes and expectations of others. do they not want to be considered important at all? do they not know me at all? is the moral responsibility of influencing a life really that heavy a burden?

it must be, why else would i need the help... so desperately...

qlc... ic.

iwtwiht, bidwatk, siwwic.

iwtkihwmtgtsim, ihbwfhta. hcct, aqfittatciwg. ishdwtbutm, iwpdts. ...miaftm, mirtrbtl.

iiaafhfaty istrigtd. otohiimt, hwbtooig, im, wiwbu, iwhtstbm.

idkwtd. idtachm.

ykw, trttditsmbi, wisf, ab. istpm.

a! idekwiwa. tif. g. n.

midlyt, ykt.

code

MDIAC IASALG

hurt so bad

1. f-up at work yesterday, drag down innocent people
2. cousins came to stay for the summer and left today
2a. cousin's fear of travelling alone cause vomiting before officials
3. 11-hr outdoor work day today, on the hottest day of the year
4. realized f-up on flight booking just now, extremely costly fix
5. commence packing at 11pm for flight tomorrow
6. 7:30-3:00 work day tomorrow, no breaks or lunch, to get to my flight on time

...hurt so bad...

DON'T PISS ME OFF AT 2AM.

OK. NOW I'M PISSED OFF. IT'S 2AM IN THE MORNING, THE FUCKERS IN MY HOUSE USE THE KEY TO UNLOCK MY DOOR TO GET SHIT WHILE I'M SLEEPING. FIRST, I HAVE NOT BEEN SLEEPING WELL LATELY, AND I HAVE TO GET UP AT 5AM TOMORROW MORNING TO GO TO WORK. DON'T WAKE ME UP. YOU KNOW I HAVE TROUBLE WITH WAKING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHEN MY DOOR IS LOCKED IT MEANS I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME IN AND BOTHER ME, IT DOES NOT MEAN GO FIND THE KEY AND OPEN IT YOURSELF! I HAVE BEEN PISSED OFF ABOUT IT ALL MY LIFE AND YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO DO THAT TO ME WHEN I AM 23 YEARS OLD BECAUSE I WILL FUCKING KICK YOUR ASS.

SO NOW I AM PISSED AS SHIT AND CAN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP. GREAT! THANKS EVERYONE!

I HAVE TO MOVE OUT.

<3

Someone likes my eyes

... :)

quote of the day

'cheer up, nobody's gonna shag you if you cry all the time'

-emma thompson to liam neeson in love actually

sometimes

When you need something you can't get... do you
1 - break the habit and stop needing it, or
2 - work harder to get it?

to MSBS

ILYPS, IAVLGTKY, YAAI :p ICWTSYA, IE!

ghengis khunt

i always want to say it but i never have a reason to:

GHENGIS KHUNT!

hee hee hee...

never!

"last christmas i gave you my heart
the very next day you gave it away
this year to save me from tears
i'll give it to someone special

...you'll never fool me again"

N E V E R ! >:O

super crappy

i feel so super crappy. so many things i wish i had. so much pms i wish i didn't have.

this is the crappiest ever. i miss everyone.

happiness is...

...thoroughly enjoy doing something for someone else.

...like feeding this cute puppy, who thoroughly enjoys humping me.

bread

I HAVE FOUND MY FAVOURITE BREAD!

Italiano Italian Slice Bread, or something like that. It's so soft and squishy and chewy and sweet and moist and so wonderful...!

This makes me very carbolicious, also very happy.

washing machines

washing machines are great. they are machines that wash your clothes for you, in less than a half hour!

no, i don't usually do my own laundry.

here is a list of other things that i think are also great:

• airplanes, because they take me to places very quickly
• electric kettles, because they turn off by themselves
• rice cookers, because they tell you how much water to put in, AND they turn off by themselves
• dogs, because despite being inferior they are happy

pearson kicks me in the face and laughs

greyhound: 8 hrs travel time with transfers
airways shuttle: incompatible service schedule
company taxi: beyond area of service
regular taxi: $$$,$$$,$$$
asking for favours: simply unethical
conclusion: there is no easy way to get from waterloo to the airport.

why does the toronto airport have to suck so bad?
why does waterloo have to suck so bad?
why do i not have a car?

this is exactly what the profs are talking about. in sprawled out, low density cities--the classic example being kitchener--transit is not feasible and therefore the population is car-dependent. you cannot function without a car. this never mattered to me, until now that i have found myself as a member of the impoverished community, handicapped by the system.

how upsetting.