back to ranting

i'm sort of having a nervous breakdown. i stayed in bed all day because i dread packing and leaving. this isn't nearly as easy as some people make it look.

this nagging is not cool. traditional ranting is much healthier:

what the hell is up with guys being so much more homophobic than girls? that's mega unfair.
#1: 3-some? dude you RULE! wait, only ONE girl? YOU'RE A GAY MAN, HA!
#2: boys and girls: would you go to a stripclub? how about a MALE stripclub? aww girls aren't you accomodating.
#3: anal: we all have an asshole don't we, because uh... we all need to take shits? need i say more?

and another thing. there's porn showing girls, and there's porn showing guys. one is for guys, and the other is for g.. i mean gay guys. ya, mmhmm.

but you know what IS fair? guys have BALLS. balls that we can KICK. REAL HARD. because, oh nothing, it's just PMS, it doesn't count. we pms all the freaking time. :D

santa hates me

i have been troubled lately. maybe i need to really think about it, write it out, and try to be brutally honest with myself.

first there is pms. perhaps all of this can be explained away by hormones. believe me it is the preferred answer. then there are actual issues.

finances. my family is, well, not doing so well. i, or more realistically my sister and i have taken over the responsibility of taking care of all of us. it's a heavy burden. my dreadful boss didn't hire me back and i have no job lined up for the new year. my savings will have to feed us all until i find a job, maybe 6 months from now. must admit it bothered me much more when the news broke out. since then i've calmed down, although it still worries me everytime i reach for my wallet. this must contribute to my troubles but i'm sure it's not the central problem.

now, on to the hard part: love life. perhaps its to do with me hanging on too desperately in the past, but this time i have been much more reserved with my devotion, much more willing to doubt. it is a matter of self preservation, to be acutely aware of everything that may hint at another dead end. it is also my circumstance that significant investment is required to keep the relationship afloat. by default i must reflect on the worthiness of my efforts.

it seems that frequent visits are needed to keep me happy. when i reach the point of 'needing to see him again', as i have now, i rely on faith that all will be well when we reunite. sure enough it is perfect when we are together again, always. but there is a present need that cannot be fulfilled.

when we are apart for too long i simply become lost. i am in love but i am unhappy. sometimes i even grow numb and indifferent from being sad for so long. it is perfectly rational that i should not be attached to something that causes pain.

i went clubbing last night with my girl friend. we turned down every guy who wanted to dance. some of them were friendly and polite and i actually felt sorry for being so snobby. i wanted to be loyal, and was proud of it. then i went home and found myself all alone. it's ridiculous to have a boyfriend and be loneliner than ever.

despite his absence, i have endless admiration for him. it's perfect when we're together. he has complete faith in us, all the time. it's what convinced me that he is the one. i've abandoned the idea of 'the one' years ago, but i do believe now that i have found him. he is by far the better half of this relationship and i cannot be more thankful.

perhaps it's this difference in confidence that makes me doubt my love. if we love eachother equally, should i not share the same tolerance for separation? a more positive interpretation would be that it's a matter of personality.

the unfortunate truth is separation, although an external agent, decreases satisfaction. a relationship needs to be more satisfying than single life in order to persist. in order to increase satisfaction one can decrease (or eliminate) separation, or maximize other variables such as affection. this is the part where i count my blessings.

there is also potential, which i dare say is endless. as great as that may sound potential is nothing unless it is realized. finances, politics (borders) get in the way and it really is discouraging. still i think this is worthy of pursuit.

relationships take work. i never understood that until now. this took forever to write and rewrite, i've worked things out and i feel much easier. with that said, i do hate feeling lost and unhappy, especially at christmas time. the foreseeable future does not look easier and to be honest i am afraid. i don't want to give up, but i don't know if i am up for it.

or maybe i feel like total crap because i have been sitting around too much.

troubled

the hardest thing is to be certain of what you want.

i miss certainty. any answer would be satisfying really, if it was certain.

rape weather

It's 4am, I'm hungry, I'm waiting to take a shower, I can't sleep.

Certain events have unfolded like I always knew they would. Dealing with them is much harder than I thought. The worst part is I am beginning to realize that future and potential can be taken away... dreams that I'd hope might come true are evaporated. There are certain things I can no longer afford to wish for. It doesn't matter now how close I have gotten, and I don't want to find out.

I'm also doubting things that seemed so fundamental in my life just a month ago. I'm... simply... not as happy anymore. I don't know what else to say. Hopefully it's just a phase and will disappear on its own, I need it to go away.

And the situation is yet to mature. Soon enough I won't even be able to think about these things.

Adulthood: Welcome! *rapes me in the face*

I am so envious of the lucky people. I thought I was one of them.

lesson learned

1. DON'T date someone in the same/similar professional field, you will only fight about work.
2. DON'T talk to people while studying, especially the one describe above.

FUCK!

FUCK! FUCKING PEOPLE PISS ME OFF! I NEED TO STUDY, AND NOW I CAN'T, BECAUSE I'M ALL PISSED OFF AND DISTRACTED WITH OTHER THINGS THAT MAYBE I SHOULDN'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT. AAAARGH. EVERYBODY LEAVE ME ALONE AND I'LL SEE YOU AT THE CLUB.

opportunity cost

what else could you be doing?

DISSATISFIED!!!

alright! plan of action:
-umbra shopping
-see kc hohoho
-CLUUUUUB!!!

saturday night divas

i'm not alone, now you're not in my mind : you are the victim of your crime i left you behind : boy you were a fool to treat me that way : not going to let you, i'm going to forget you, there's nothing to say : you're a twisted lover, kiss and telling on a superstar : that's what you are : well it was saturday night, i know the feeling was right, i didn't know we'd get so far...

STOP

and we know that you can go and find some other : take or leave it cuz we've always got eachother : you know who you are and yes you're gonna break down : you've crossed the line so you're gonna have to turn around : don't you know it's going too fast: racing so hard you know it won't last : don't you know, what can't you see : slow it down, read the sign, so you know just where you're going...

very dissatisfied

very dissatisfied.

mr moore, why dont' you fuck off...