Omg i got super fat overnight.  This is unacceptable.  I thought I was getting used to being smaller but that is clearly not the case.  I'm so sad.  No more hot shit.

My Loves (Part 1)

Tommy Banany is my sturdy bear. He is a charming little bear with a smart striped sweater. In the summer we take the shirt off. He is just a little bit thinner than you'd expect, and so much more adorable than you'd imagine. He is the biggest one who comes along on trips, but doesn't mind being squished.

Mineahaha is a softy softy baby who likes to be cuddled gently. He will comfort you with a lullabye during a warm sunny nap, or in a dark lonely night. He is always kind, always patient.

Frogman is a little guy with a big smile, big booty, and a big personality! He is super confident (some say cocky), loves to dance, loves to laugh, and loves talking smack. But really he is a sweetie underneathe, and has the biggest heart of all. When the day is done, he too likes to be kissed and snuggled in a warm mess of blankets.

Chances

I read this on the wall of a Chinese cafe:  "The weak one waits for chances.  The strong one creates changes.  The smart one takes advance of chances."  Hmm.

Thursday and I are hanging out.

desirable!

I played sickie today because I woke up late and couldn't find proper work clothes.  I know, that's bad.

But I eventually did get out of bed again, and did some HOUSE work instead.  I mopped and wiped down mouldings and cabinets.  My grandma thanked me for the work.  She didn't have to.  Then she said, "Whoever gets to marry you has good fortune."

:)

I hope so.

Just like Disney Princesses right?  Look, I've already started:

Princess Tiara and Single Ladies ring

Tick tick tick

I got a sunburn from taking an afternoon walk with acca yesterday. It even hurts today, that is not cool. I'm old now, I should take better care of my skin.

Just now, I looked at the first pictures I ever took with mr. Kuni, and our first attempts at "family pictures" at home in WBL. Every one of us looked so young, so very very cute. Mr. Kuni was not even a mister yet, he was only Kuni chan! Yes, even me... I thought I was cute.

Then I look at my skin now, the texture... And I think about that Eason song about the lesson on time. Hmm. Realizing the value of time only when time is up. That is such a constant, ongoing realization, no matter what you are doing in each year of your life there can almost always be more potential living that is not being lived. So, Where does that leave us?

It is not only about time itself, it is also about the state of mind at certain ages that we need to take advantage of. For example: the rawness of my teenage years allowed me to think with philosophical capacities that i no longer have. I am glad that I took the time to think and write then, because I now only remember my conclusions. In some ways I wish I could have foreseen the questions I would have for myself now. I would have had the conviction then to answer. Fast forwarding to now, I am fantastically burdened with the fear of aging to the point that I do not trust my thoughts or feelings. This will only get worse with age, when fears of aging will become actually being old, and having to accept the realities of it... It sounds pessimistuc but it's true. For example: if you want blue hair, you should get it while you're young, because there was nothing to lose... Like, your reputation at work, which actually ends up becoming more important than it should. On that note, why is it that when we are old we start to care about all sorts of, well, shit that we are not even sure we are passionate about? ...anyway I digress.

... I rambled on about a ton of other shit but nothing was coherent, so I deleted it. I guess that's how a blog differs from a friend. I can ramble on about random topics and it will usually be a fulfilling conversation. Here, not so much. Heh.

continued back luck

car troubles continue.  i got a $30 parking ticket last night because I parked beyond 2am at pko's condo.  crap.

booboo

i watched a woman bang her van door on my car today.  it left a little dent and green paint on my door handle.  fucking bitch, i'm so pissed.

welcome, thank you, come again

:D someone said my outfit is slimming today!
:P they also said I look like a bank teller.

Matt sent me this song and it touched me so deeply, I cried and cried and cried... After some overplaying I think, I am sorry too, for the most obvious but also the small things.  And I think, if it could all be said, this song would be the start of it.

He said I must hate the way this guy sings.  I didn't at all, not today, and now I think never, in this song anyway.

Later he said I have a lot of pride.  Sigh.  Wow.  Self centered, yes but proud?  I've done some pretty terrible things, and I have taken a lot of harsh words even coming from my own mouth.  If not wanting to be treated like a dog is considered too proud then what can I say...  BIG SIGH.  I knew it.

burn...

Tony said something really hurtful today.  Just one word... 

Apparently a proposal I wrote, with his help, and later revised by boss, doesn't make any sense.  I asked for his help to approach the project.  He asked who wrote it, I said I did, but then boss changed it himself for submission.  He threw the papers down on Winson's desk and exclaimed "Planners!"  Langston laughed.  

I later teared up...  I will always be looked down on.  

It's not the first time this has happened, and he is not the only one to say it.  I usually laugh along, but this time it got to me.

It really made me feel like shit.  :(

Wedding of the century

I've officially hit that age when i have to go to a wedding every other weekend of the summer. I still have not grown tired of it, or desensitized to the speeches. I did not expect to be someone who enjoys weddings, I don't particularly enjoy mingling, and I dread dancing because I never have a date. Actually That is the reason many people skip such functions. This time though, I feel I manned up to the challenge, with the help of Amanda and Chris first of all hosting an amazing party, and Lucy turning out to be my single girl friend at the table.

So, yea, I had a great time! With some loser moments:

• needed to take toll highway to make it on time... it will cost me at least $40
• ran into the wedding hall by myself, late but before they started
• after the ceremony and before the reception, wandered the garden alone, tried to sleep in car, then actually cleaned the car interior while wearing a dress--got teased for it by people who parked next to me

But also some great moments:

• feeling glad that I decided to be there for Amanda's big day, she was pleasantly surprised
• seeing how much her family loves her.  her dad cried so much, and her mom's speech made me cry.  she spoke of how proud she is of her daughter, it makes me tear even now.  they remember me, her mom asked how I'm doing and asked me to hang out with amanda more.  her dad hugged me very sincerely even kissed me on the cheek.
• seeing how Laura and her boyfriend interact.  it's crude fun and sweet at the same time.
• while i was lonering at the reception a stranger came to say that my dress is one of the most stunning of everyone there, and they noticed since the ceremony.  :) 
• ridiculously great party with really good food, open bar.  craving that same meal now actually...
• danced for the first time at a wedding or similar function, and enjoyed it thanks to Lucy

It really was a great party, great experience.  Although, at times I did feel lonely.  What was a girl in a pretty dress doing loitering by herself?  ...Argh.  And when they asked all the girls to raise their hands if they're in love, and then stand up if their man is sitting next to them... SIGH.  But, it was really cute watch Laura.  I wish my photos turned out better.

Amanda's mom asked when will be my turn.  I immediately laughed and said never!  ...In a way it is much easier for me to answer to such questions now.  It is much easier on me to not have to ask myself that either.  

Oh another thing: this was my first non-religious wedding.  The ceremony was not nearly as fulfilling. God's blessing of a couple and their new marriage, to me, is really heartfelt, as unreligious as I claim to be.  I guess otherwise it is just a civil arrangement.  At the same time I fully understand why in this case the reception is so much more meaningful, because of the speeches, and being together, celebrating with loved ones.

I'm craving that wedding food.  Damn that spinach ricotta crepe, prime rib, suckling pig, and pound cake-y goodness.  Mmmm... social eating has been working out pretty good so far.  

PKO said we can eat cake tonight.  I appreciate her feeding me, so I bought her a gift.  Henckel's sale was this weekend, I got her a set of steak knives I'm sure she will make good use of.  Her "knife" looks legit but is dull as a butter knife, it's dangerous.  Can't wait for her call me up, don't want to look at my disgusting room...

bridal shower

i am joyful, jealous and pissed at the same time... most of all i am tired.

the bridal shower was great, absolutely wonderful... wowns is basically martha stewart, the place looked great.  acca and i were proud to be in charge of food and i think we did a great job too.  it was good that i was busy with food prep and photo taking, since i didn't know most of the guests.  mo was stunning... shining even more than usual.  so hot!

there's something else exciting going on: rags has dated her bf for about a year and a half now.  they bought a place together!  a downtown loft!  so fitting for rag's style, it is beyond wicked.  i am shocked and so excited for her...  i love that they just totally went for it without hesitation.  so rags :)  lately i have seen a lot of happy love stories, and i must say this was something that finally sparked some jealousy... in a good way.

we stayed a long time after the party to clean, then talked a lot over a little bit of take out dinner.  the girls kept saying how much they loved my dress and i was glad because i was a bit insecure about wearing it!  unfortunately... the cleaning solution that property management provided for us got on my dress and instantly killed it like bleach.  the dress hasn't even been washed, i am so ... sigh.  fuck.

something else that sucks: we burnt a table with a kettle.  we may get charged for it...

this has been a long, long day with a whole range of emotions.  i am so tired, and falling asleep as i am writing.  i think... nevermind the self pity, i am glad to discover that i genuinely love to see others happy.  thinking back to some of my worst days... i thought that attending weddings and celebrations would be difficult, but it turns out they cheered me up so, so much... i am lucky to witness these beautiful moments in life.  these brides i have seen are all so beautiful, shining, and so thoroughly joyful.  if the look in their eyes can make me so happy, how happy must the groom be?  i know i cry easily from a movie's happy ending, now i know i am the same with real life happy endings :')

i think... so many people admired what i had in my life.  i feel almost embarrassed that they now seem to be concerned for me.  i fear i have burdened mo and to... today mo handed out wedding invitations to the girls but not to me.  i think i know why...  i don't like that they tiptoe around me, but i am not going to call them out for it, i know they mean well.

good sleeping habits

(3.5 hrs + 14 hrs) / 2 days = 8.75 hrs of sleep per night