There are no words to express how i am.  Lucky there is no audience.

Less guilty :)

Maybe nobody would believe me, but I DID return 2 of the 5 pairs of shoes.  I returned the black rocker booties because they don't look that great on my chunky legs, plus my sister got the same shoe; and I returned the yellow suede heels because they are not as eye-catching and exciting as they seemed at first.  

So, less guilty :)  But still guilty, because I spent about $250 over the long weekend on warehouse sales.  I guess there are many items I could live without...

guilty :D

Aldo is having a huge clearance sale with an online exclusive offer for an extra 25% off.  On top of that I won their draw and got a coupon for 15% off entire purchase.  According to fine print the coupon should only apply to regular priced items, but when I entered the promo code it worked on the clearance items too!  Aldo always has free shipping and full refunds in-store including clearance items.  With that in mind, this happened:

Dressy Flip Flops: $15.93 (Original $30)

Do I need it?  I kinda do, I have been looking for a pair since last year.

Do I love it?  It's pretty nice.

Note to self:  If they don't live up to style and extreme comfort expectations, return.

UPDATE: I've worn it outside now, so I must keep them.  They're okay.

Fabric Wedge Boots: $31.87 (Original $70)

Do I need it?  YES, I have needed winter work shoes since last year.
Do I love it?  It's versatile and stylish enough.  I'll wear it often.

Note to self:  I pray it's comfortable and looks ok in person...
UPDATE: Fits well with thin socks and looks pretty good.  I've also worn this outside now.  Keeping.

Leather Booties: $57.37 (Original $120)

Do I need it?  No, I can survive without it...
Do I love it?  YES!!!  I have been keeping an eye on this one forever!
Note to self:  If it's not comfy enough to dance in, take a picture then return.
UPDATE: Doesn't fit.  Return.

Suede Stiletto Sandals: $44.62 (Original $100)

Do I need it?  Absolutely not.

Do I love it?  Yes, I love the yellow, it's so cool!  It fit well when I tried in store.

Note to self:  I should probably return this one...
UPDATE: Comfy, but the yellow is not THAT outstanding.  Contemplating return.

Leather High Heel Sandals: $57.37 (Original $110)

Do I need it?  No...

Do I love it?  Yeah! I tried this on too, I look sexy in it!

Note to self:  It's comfier than stiletto but still really high, I could return it...
UPDATE: Comfy, cool... still contemplating...

I have been shopaholic lately.  Specifically, I have noticed that shopping reduces stress and elevates mood.  But, I have held back from many "it's just okay but really cheap!!!" purchases in recent months.  I can't really afford to spend the way I used to anymore.  When these shoes arrive and I get to try them on, I hope it will be easy to narrow down my deserving purchases.  I can't believe I stayed up all night for this, it's SO engaging...

Um...

ok, elevator music is nice but NOBODY IS PICKING UP THE PHONE.  oh my god...  my call is important to you, you're welcome i have remained on the line, but a representative has not been with me in whatever time period "shortly" refers to.  =__=

Uh...

The welfare office isn't very friendly or helpful...

Wow

Thank you parents for giving me a care free childhood.  Thank you grandma for giving me a purpose to work hard.

I feel sick to my stomach I swear I could hurl.

...sucks so bad.

i want to eat boiled hot dog... seems like a lot of work.  plus, i'm not hungry.

doo doo doo doo doo...

world of regret

So I got sunburnt 5 days ago.  My shoulders and arms have been peeling for two days, revealing shiny light pink patches of new skin with flakey dry looking edges where the burnt skin is continuing to peel.  i took a hot shower and exfoliated in effort to somehow improve the situation for when I have to show my shoulders at Mo's wedding in less than 30 hrs.  I made new and bigger patches, and now the middle of my chest has also nearly completely peeled.  It looks like I have a world map on my chest.  If you google sunburn peeling skin, that's exactly what I look like... OMG.

I know that the rest of the skin has to peel off, because it's just dead, dry, brown skin floating on top of a newer skin that is still developing.  If I continue to fuck with it and pick at it like a monkey, the patches will only get bigger.  But if I don't, it's super ugly as is.  I feel like the only way is to peel off all the skin so that there are no oniony edges... Then put makeup on the raw skin...

I see the difference sunscreen makes now.  I never peeled like this even in Mexico.  Goddamnit...

Argh.  This is terrible.  3 days to Mo's wedding and I have a big blistering cold sore, and I NEVER get them!  Great.  Just great.

I've never seen Tommy sad until tonight.  Poor baby, we will go to the park and have ice cream soon.

Sick!

So I've decided that I'm malnutritioned and sick.  My attempt to fix this with a can of chicken soup last night did not help.  Argh.

What...

Omg.  What happened...  Everything went wrong everywhere.  ...I mean, horribly wrong...

My Loves (Part 3)

Friday

Meet Friday!

Friday is cheerful and strong, with a presence that always brightens the room.  He likes to hang upside down, and loves upside-down kisses on the cheek!  There is a simplicity to Friday that I love and admire very much.  Every Friday night, he gets big hug, big kiss, and a special spot on my pillow.

His real name is Husky, named after Old Navy's "large" boys' clothing size.  He's nicknamed Friday, because he came along after a bunny named Thursday!

I get so lonley

Blah on a perfect sunny day

I feel so tired... and dull, kinda lonely, and disorganized, and wasting my precious summer.  I will never have another summer at 27 years old.  I need to do something... starting with a shower, then a nap, and then maybe some cleaning.  

Man, I wanna take a walk but there's nobody to walk with.  Argh.

I also want to take a vacation... very very badly... to somewhere far far away.

Adjusted home life

My mom is gone on vacation this week.  My dad folded my laundry, made my bed...  Wow...

They both stopped asking me to eat dinner now so my dad has not made me any food.  But I have tried to take care of him a little bit.  I bought some bakery buns home.  Tonight I made 2 apple strudels, for his breakfast, snack, and whatever.  He loved it and ate half a strudel fresh out of the oven, at 11pm!  I ate a small slice as dinner.

I left the second strudel on the counter, with a note written in Chinese, telling my grandma and grandpa to take half.  I think they will like it too, it's not too sweet.

Today is Thursday, so I will cuddle Thursday to bed tonight.  He's so soft and delicate...  but still I've decided that he's sporty, because he has brown feet that look like runners.  We will go to bed now, and let something nerdy on Discovery Channel play...

Quisiera Llorar!

If yesterday I wanted a space under my bed, today I want the bottom of a well.  Quisiera Llorar!

my poor grandma

My poor grandma... I love being able to help her.  But I also know she would rather not need the help at all.

Dun Get It

Tough night, tough day.  Reviewing my report makes my supervisor "puke blood"...  "Come on you're a big girl now, you're supposed to be project planner next year."  My 3am clock out spread around the office and someone kindly advised me that it is unsafe, and that is an issue.  That's the least of my offences.

I do try in life.  I'm just not smart enough to GET IT, so I never get it right.  I want to get it right.  But right now, I wish there was a space under my bed to hide in.

more overtime

i left work at 3am today.  i worked 17 hours.  i don't know about anything anymore.  i don't even know if i'm tired.  WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  *drop dead*

overtime

I worked 26.5 hrs over the past two days.  Tonight I left work after 1am.  I've been asked to show up early tomorrow.  Even after all of this, I know I will not be able to make the deadline.  

My entire being is aching for Maldives... 

My Loves (Part 2)

Oxford

Oxford and I were fated to meet.  In a tiny dodgy Tesco in England, it was love at first sight.  We have travelled the world together, from London and other great European cities, to Yellowstone, and now to Montreal.  He's a happy, brave stowaway who is always ready for adventure!

Omg i got super fat overnight.  This is unacceptable.  I thought I was getting used to being smaller but that is clearly not the case.  I'm so sad.  No more hot shit.

My Loves (Part 1)

Tommy Banany is my sturdy bear. He is a charming little bear with a smart striped sweater. In the summer we take the shirt off. He is just a little bit thinner than you'd expect, and so much more adorable than you'd imagine. He is the biggest one who comes along on trips, but doesn't mind being squished.

Mineahaha is a softy softy baby who likes to be cuddled gently. He will comfort you with a lullabye during a warm sunny nap, or in a dark lonely night. He is always kind, always patient.

Frogman is a little guy with a big smile, big booty, and a big personality! He is super confident (some say cocky), loves to dance, loves to laugh, and loves talking smack. But really he is a sweetie underneathe, and has the biggest heart of all. When the day is done, he too likes to be kissed and snuggled in a warm mess of blankets.

Chances

I read this on the wall of a Chinese cafe:  "The weak one waits for chances.  The strong one creates changes.  The smart one takes advance of chances."  Hmm.

Thursday and I are hanging out.

desirable!

I played sickie today because I woke up late and couldn't find proper work clothes.  I know, that's bad.

But I eventually did get out of bed again, and did some HOUSE work instead.  I mopped and wiped down mouldings and cabinets.  My grandma thanked me for the work.  She didn't have to.  Then she said, "Whoever gets to marry you has good fortune."

:)

I hope so.

Just like Disney Princesses right?  Look, I've already started:

Princess Tiara and Single Ladies ring

Tick tick tick

I got a sunburn from taking an afternoon walk with acca yesterday. It even hurts today, that is not cool. I'm old now, I should take better care of my skin.

Just now, I looked at the first pictures I ever took with mr. Kuni, and our first attempts at "family pictures" at home in WBL. Every one of us looked so young, so very very cute. Mr. Kuni was not even a mister yet, he was only Kuni chan! Yes, even me... I thought I was cute.

Then I look at my skin now, the texture... And I think about that Eason song about the lesson on time. Hmm. Realizing the value of time only when time is up. That is such a constant, ongoing realization, no matter what you are doing in each year of your life there can almost always be more potential living that is not being lived. So, Where does that leave us?

It is not only about time itself, it is also about the state of mind at certain ages that we need to take advantage of. For example: the rawness of my teenage years allowed me to think with philosophical capacities that i no longer have. I am glad that I took the time to think and write then, because I now only remember my conclusions. In some ways I wish I could have foreseen the questions I would have for myself now. I would have had the conviction then to answer. Fast forwarding to now, I am fantastically burdened with the fear of aging to the point that I do not trust my thoughts or feelings. This will only get worse with age, when fears of aging will become actually being old, and having to accept the realities of it... It sounds pessimistuc but it's true. For example: if you want blue hair, you should get it while you're young, because there was nothing to lose... Like, your reputation at work, which actually ends up becoming more important than it should. On that note, why is it that when we are old we start to care about all sorts of, well, shit that we are not even sure we are passionate about? ...anyway I digress.

... I rambled on about a ton of other shit but nothing was coherent, so I deleted it. I guess that's how a blog differs from a friend. I can ramble on about random topics and it will usually be a fulfilling conversation. Here, not so much. Heh.

continued back luck

car troubles continue.  i got a $30 parking ticket last night because I parked beyond 2am at pko's condo.  crap.

booboo

i watched a woman bang her van door on my car today.  it left a little dent and green paint on my door handle.  fucking bitch, i'm so pissed.

welcome, thank you, come again

:D someone said my outfit is slimming today!
:P they also said I look like a bank teller.

Matt sent me this song and it touched me so deeply, I cried and cried and cried... After some overplaying I think, I am sorry too, for the most obvious but also the small things.  And I think, if it could all be said, this song would be the start of it.

He said I must hate the way this guy sings.  I didn't at all, not today, and now I think never, in this song anyway.

Later he said I have a lot of pride.  Sigh.  Wow.  Self centered, yes but proud?  I've done some pretty terrible things, and I have taken a lot of harsh words even coming from my own mouth.  If not wanting to be treated like a dog is considered too proud then what can I say...  BIG SIGH.  I knew it.

burn...

Tony said something really hurtful today.  Just one word... 

Apparently a proposal I wrote, with his help, and later revised by boss, doesn't make any sense.  I asked for his help to approach the project.  He asked who wrote it, I said I did, but then boss changed it himself for submission.  He threw the papers down on Winson's desk and exclaimed "Planners!"  Langston laughed.  

I later teared up...  I will always be looked down on.  

It's not the first time this has happened, and he is not the only one to say it.  I usually laugh along, but this time it got to me.

It really made me feel like shit.  :(

Wedding of the century

I've officially hit that age when i have to go to a wedding every other weekend of the summer. I still have not grown tired of it, or desensitized to the speeches. I did not expect to be someone who enjoys weddings, I don't particularly enjoy mingling, and I dread dancing because I never have a date. Actually That is the reason many people skip such functions. This time though, I feel I manned up to the challenge, with the help of Amanda and Chris first of all hosting an amazing party, and Lucy turning out to be my single girl friend at the table.

So, yea, I had a great time! With some loser moments:

• needed to take toll highway to make it on time... it will cost me at least $40
• ran into the wedding hall by myself, late but before they started
• after the ceremony and before the reception, wandered the garden alone, tried to sleep in car, then actually cleaned the car interior while wearing a dress--got teased for it by people who parked next to me

But also some great moments:

• feeling glad that I decided to be there for Amanda's big day, she was pleasantly surprised
• seeing how much her family loves her.  her dad cried so much, and her mom's speech made me cry.  she spoke of how proud she is of her daughter, it makes me tear even now.  they remember me, her mom asked how I'm doing and asked me to hang out with amanda more.  her dad hugged me very sincerely even kissed me on the cheek.
• seeing how Laura and her boyfriend interact.  it's crude fun and sweet at the same time.
• while i was lonering at the reception a stranger came to say that my dress is one of the most stunning of everyone there, and they noticed since the ceremony.  :) 
• ridiculously great party with really good food, open bar.  craving that same meal now actually...
• danced for the first time at a wedding or similar function, and enjoyed it thanks to Lucy

It really was a great party, great experience.  Although, at times I did feel lonely.  What was a girl in a pretty dress doing loitering by herself?  ...Argh.  And when they asked all the girls to raise their hands if they're in love, and then stand up if their man is sitting next to them... SIGH.  But, it was really cute watch Laura.  I wish my photos turned out better.

Amanda's mom asked when will be my turn.  I immediately laughed and said never!  ...In a way it is much easier for me to answer to such questions now.  It is much easier on me to not have to ask myself that either.  

Oh another thing: this was my first non-religious wedding.  The ceremony was not nearly as fulfilling. God's blessing of a couple and their new marriage, to me, is really heartfelt, as unreligious as I claim to be.  I guess otherwise it is just a civil arrangement.  At the same time I fully understand why in this case the reception is so much more meaningful, because of the speeches, and being together, celebrating with loved ones.

I'm craving that wedding food.  Damn that spinach ricotta crepe, prime rib, suckling pig, and pound cake-y goodness.  Mmmm... social eating has been working out pretty good so far.  

PKO said we can eat cake tonight.  I appreciate her feeding me, so I bought her a gift.  Henckel's sale was this weekend, I got her a set of steak knives I'm sure she will make good use of.  Her "knife" looks legit but is dull as a butter knife, it's dangerous.  Can't wait for her call me up, don't want to look at my disgusting room...

bridal shower

i am joyful, jealous and pissed at the same time... most of all i am tired.

the bridal shower was great, absolutely wonderful... wowns is basically martha stewart, the place looked great.  acca and i were proud to be in charge of food and i think we did a great job too.  it was good that i was busy with food prep and photo taking, since i didn't know most of the guests.  mo was stunning... shining even more than usual.  so hot!

there's something else exciting going on: rags has dated her bf for about a year and a half now.  they bought a place together!  a downtown loft!  so fitting for rag's style, it is beyond wicked.  i am shocked and so excited for her...  i love that they just totally went for it without hesitation.  so rags :)  lately i have seen a lot of happy love stories, and i must say this was something that finally sparked some jealousy... in a good way.

we stayed a long time after the party to clean, then talked a lot over a little bit of take out dinner.  the girls kept saying how much they loved my dress and i was glad because i was a bit insecure about wearing it!  unfortunately... the cleaning solution that property management provided for us got on my dress and instantly killed it like bleach.  the dress hasn't even been washed, i am so ... sigh.  fuck.

something else that sucks: we burnt a table with a kettle.  we may get charged for it...

this has been a long, long day with a whole range of emotions.  i am so tired, and falling asleep as i am writing.  i think... nevermind the self pity, i am glad to discover that i genuinely love to see others happy.  thinking back to some of my worst days... i thought that attending weddings and celebrations would be difficult, but it turns out they cheered me up so, so much... i am lucky to witness these beautiful moments in life.  these brides i have seen are all so beautiful, shining, and so thoroughly joyful.  if the look in their eyes can make me so happy, how happy must the groom be?  i know i cry easily from a movie's happy ending, now i know i am the same with real life happy endings :')

i think... so many people admired what i had in my life.  i feel almost embarrassed that they now seem to be concerned for me.  i fear i have burdened mo and to... today mo handed out wedding invitations to the girls but not to me.  i think i know why...  i don't like that they tiptoe around me, but i am not going to call them out for it, i know they mean well.

good sleeping habits

(3.5 hrs + 14 hrs) / 2 days = 8.75 hrs of sleep per night

so this is love

I have not had dinner at home for nearly a month.  I have consistently brought home full portions of "leftover lunch".  The phone has also not rang in nearly a month.  Anyone would have figured something was up by now.  Today, my mom told me that the soup she made a couple weeks ago was especially for me, because she noticed I was having my period.  I am not sure if she realized it came at the wrong time, but she had always quietly cared for me this way.  Just now, I came into my room after a bath.  She left a bowl of soup on my desk.  It is dinner time.  We both know I will not leave my room, let alone eat.

Tears streamed down my face and wet my dress.  I am still crying after nearly twenty minutes.

I drank my soup before it got cold.  Soon after, she knocked on my door and politely said 'dinner time'.  Both my mom and dad have invited me to dinner, night after night.  They have not given up on me, not angry, not questioning...

I did not expect to be reacting so intensely to this.  I was caught off guard, I am touched, and... a mix of feeling guilty, pitiful, blessed, grateful... I have not cried or felt like this until this year.  And... I don't know who I am crying for.

I know this is religious, but, I love it...

6 super fail

1. Last night I drove Acca home.  We sat in the car with the radio on for so long that I killed the battery.  I had to call roadside assistance at 3:30 in the morning.  Thankfully it was free.
2. This morning I banged the side of my car with the door of the other car...
3. Later I fell hard on the stairs and got a bump on my knee.
4. Just now I remembered that I needed to refill my prescription tonight, ran to the store and the pharmacy had just closed.
5. It's been over a month now I still haven't finished waxing my car.

Wow.

heroes

I like Laura--a lot.  Despite my quietness she continues to call me up for tea, and the conversation is always good.  She is going to Spain for 8 months to teach English...  She is so cool... Not privileged by birth, not particularly highly achieved, but blessed with a good personality.

Savage

The wacked is wicked; the wicked gets whacked.

...indeed.

Someone once said to me that I was wise beyond my years.  I will never be as young or as wise again.  I miss that someone, and I miss me.  So, I listen to Savage Garden.

calamari

I bought calamari for my grandma today. She never had this kind before. She liked it. She ate 2 pieces.

I love my grandma very much.

heartbreak

my grandma said to me, "were you not feeling well yesterday? are you better now? please rest, please take care of your body, ok?"

i teared, i hoped that i am standing far enough that she would not notice. i nodded, then left her room.

i cry alone. mom, please don't worry, don't ask, don't look at me. grandma, i hate for you to see me like this.

i am no good.

super mega frustrated

grumble grumble GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE...!!!

want to vent, but feel guilty for even wanting to vent. better stfu. fml. sigh. omgwtfbbq...

my other blog

My food blog is doing pretty well. Look at where all my readers come from! I started tracking this in March 2010, to date I've got 326 cities from 50 countries! This year I hope to keep up the good work and get some more dots on the map!

There is something VERY satisfying about foreign page visits :) Makes me feel worldly... i want to be worldly... :D